Chances are you are still upset, and your child is still upset but nodding and “listening” as a way to appease you, but they are not truly internalizing or learning from anything you are saying.
Research shows that when emotions flair, it is unproductive to try and reason or talk things out, especially with a young child. Think about the last time you were upset; would that be a great time for me to give you a foreign language lesson? Even if you sat through it , would you be able to pass the test the next day?
Neutral Time is a way of addressing and teaching a child appropriate behavior at a time when emotions are neutral for both parties and everyone is calm and receptive.
Here are some ways Neutral Time can be used:
- Use it before or after events happen (but not immediately after an event, wait until both parties are calm). This can happen during different pockets of time throughout the day: Mealtime, Car Rides, Snuggle Time, Bath Time etc.
- Use neutral time to validate feelings and teach what to do next time. “I noticed you hit your brother earlier. Were you feeling mad? Next time, a better way to handle that is to tell them you’re feeling mad, ask for a turn, or take a break and come see mom.”
- Role play during a neutral time. “This dinosaur is disappointed that he didn’t get to go first. He’s going to take three deep breaths to help him calm down.”
- Pick a calm time to model for your child. “I feel so frustrated. I think I’ll take a deep breath. I’m going to count to ten and breathe. You want to count with me?”
- Use neutral time to share with your child what you would like to do differently. “I got upset earlier when we were rushing to leave. I used a loud voice with you and I wish I used a talking voice. I’m going to keep working on using my talking voice, even when I’m upset.”