Time In vs Time Out - Early Childhood Education Social Emotional and Behavior Resources

Time Outs are a behavior strategy that is probably familiar to most of us, as it has been a go-to technique for most parents for generations. It is thought of as a more positive and less harsh way of disciplining or stopping a behavior than other more punitive approaches such as spanking.

Yet, Do Time Outs Really Work?

There is no definitive answer to that question, as all children respond differently and Time Outs vary in structure from household to household. But often although parents have good intentions when implementing Time Outs, the outcomes don’t always give us the results we wanted.

Time Outs are usually used to help stop a behavior, give children and adults a break to “re-group” as well as hopefully prevent the behavior from happening again. Yet what we often see is that Time Outs turn into adult/child power struggles, leave the child feeling dismissed and unheard which leads to feelings of resentment, confusion and lonliness. Time Outs can potentially harm adult/child relationships as the child is separated from the adult and the group when they are in a state of heightened emotions, leading to feelings of rejection and shame for the emotions they are feeling. It is a common misconception that you need to make a child feel bad or shame them to stop a behavior. The truth is when children feel better, they behave better.

So what can we do to avoid these negative outcomes, but still stop a behavior and give the child a break to understand and process their actions and emotions?

Try Time In Instead!

Time In is the updated and better version 2.0 of Time Out, and hits all the same objectives including stopping a behavior, giving a break for the child and adult to calm down as well as preventing the behavior from happening again…. just in a more positive and supportive way that eliminates the feelings of shame and rejection.

Time In helps children learn what to do while ensuring they feel loved and maintains that positive connection between the child and adult. Time In helps children feel that they belong, that their words and ideas matter and still allows them reflect on their behavior and what they can do differently next time.

Time Ins teach skills in a supportive manner, and are effective in helping children develop life long skills such as emotional regulation and problem solving. And Time In gives the opportunity to re-direct behavior without excluding a child from the connections they need to process the emotions they are having. When adults focus on using Time In instead, their response also tends to become more pro-active instead of reactive; which in the end will prevent problem behaviors from repeating in the future.

So How Do You Use Time In?

What’s cool about Time Ins is you don’t have to wait for a behavior to happen to use this strategy. Time Ins can happen anytime because they are not a punishment, they are instead a way to connect and teach your child how to improve behavior. Time Ins can happen first thing in the morning while getting dressed, in the car, or wherever you can find 1:1 time for your child.

When using Time Ins, you stay WITH your child. You discuss how they feel in different situations when you have seen problem behaviors occur.

Adults can then VALIDATE (not shame) the child’s feelings, and help them problem solve more positive ways to respond or regulate their emotions. It is impossible to talk someone out of feeling how they feel. Saying “you have no reason to be upset”, usually makes people feel more upset, so why do we say these things to our kids? When you validate their feelings, they feel heard and understood and are much more likely to actually listen to and try the coping or problem solving strategies you may be teaching them to use instead.

Time Ins can include reading a scripted story, can happen during play while incorporating role play scenarios; the options are truly endless.

At the end of the day, using Time Ins will not only strengthen the bond you have between yourself and your child, but it will also teach them the skills they will need to be successful socially and emotionally for the rest of their lives.