What To Do When Your Child Wants Un-Needed Help

Go ahead…admit it…

You want to pull out your hair whenever your kids start asking you (for the 12th time) to do something for them that they can totally do for themselves.

You know what I’m talking about…those requests that aren’t REAL requests for help.

Where it’s not that they NEED help but that they just DON’T WANT TO DO IT and would rather con YOU into doing it for them.

It usually starts with you giving them a direction to do something, and they start with the, “but I caaaaannnn’ttttt do itttttttt, I need helllllpppp” in that tone of voice that immediately has you rolling your eyes.

For instance when they demand you carry them out of the car (when they are totally capable of walking)…or putting on or taking off their clothes…or putting their toys away in the right places…. anything to get you to help them when they’re actually perfectly capable of doing it themselves.

The situations where your gut immediately tells you, “they can do this, but I don’t want to deal with the whining and we need to get going so I’ll just do it for them so we can move on!”

The truth is that as adults, we have a natural tendency to be accommodating. We don’t want children to experience the frustration of being unable to do something, so we rush in to help, often when it isn’t really needed.

But what is the impact of providing UN-NEEDED Help?

If a child has trouble – or takes too long – putting on a shoe or putting the straw in their juice box and an adult rushes in to assist over and over again, what is that child to think? They’ll get the message, loud and clear, that either they can get adults to do things for them without trying themselves, or that the adult doesn’t believe the child can do it either. 

The problem with this, is that even though it may be easier for us as adults to just help and do it for them, this habit can really hinder your child’s independence and confidence. And when it happens repeatedly your child’s default answer to your requests will be to whine for help until you do it for them, rather than try things on their own which would lead to the self-satisfaction, pride and confidence.

Even worse, our children can start to encompass “learned helplessness”, where they have been conditioned to believe they can’t do something, before even trying to do it. This leads to them “giving up” before even starting and can impact not just daily life at home, but things at school and extracurricular activities your family participates in as well.

Perseverance, persistence and grit are all things we want our kids to learn to develop. By providing un-needed help to our children we are missing needed opportunities to foster this in them at a young age. 

The good news? As adults we can change what we do and our reactions to their requests for un-needed help that will build their confidence, perseverance with difficult tasks and overall independence skills in 3 EASY STEPS!

STEP #1:

When all is calm, take time to explicitly TEACH your child to do the task all by themselves. Make sure NOT to do this during the “helpless meltdown,” but during neutral time when you see your child is calm and ready for a chat. Model it first, then have them practice repeatedly with you there as a coach. Stay on the sidelines coaching (even when it is hard for them) and only jump in to help by modeling when absolutely needed. They should be practicing doing the task as independently as possible.

STEP #2:

Set the expectation that they will be doing this independently from now on in advance, but do it by being a cheerleader! Frame the teaching session in a positive and uplifting light. Start the conversation by saying this:

“You are growing up in so many ways and from now on…YOU will be responsible for ______. I know you can do it! And I will be so proud of you when you do it on your own!”

This is all about letting your child know up front that this is their responsibility and empowering them in the process. Show them that you believe in them, and remember to cheer them on while they try doing it independently. Focus on the positives and steps in the process they are doing right, and encourage them to keep it up.

STEP #3:

Don’t give in and do it for them! When they pull the helpless card in the moment, re-state the expectation (#2) and give a quick pep talk, and then if it continues with a smile on your face, simply say,

“I’m confident you can do it. I’ll be in the other room let me know when you finish!”

The exit is essential. If you stay in the room, you are providing an audience and you are sure to get sucked right back into the power struggle.

Remember, you aren’t being “mean” or “dismissive” by letting them try on their own. This is how they learn! And because these are skills you know they can do independently, you aren’t denying help to them when they truly are in need. So let the parent guilt subside and focus on the ultimate goal of fostering that perseverance and be prepared to cheerlead them big time when they end up doing the task!

Will your kids try to pull the helpless card again? Most likely!

After all, it’s an act that’s worked for them in the past. However, with practice and consistency on your part, they’ll get the point that you won’t come rescue them from trying every time they whine for help. They will also learn to try things on their own and may even surprise themselves when they can do it without your help.

In short, when you don’t jump in to give un-needed help, you are teaching your child patience, persistence and independence—all while they feel empowered as they become more and more capable (at something other than manipulating you by winning for help)! And You’ll feel empowered that your kids are learning to manage their own tasks and you’ll get a much deserved break!